Own It

Last week, the second session of ladies bible study commenced.  I decided to do a study by Jennie Allen, titled Stuck.  There are many different reasons why I chose this study, but the main reason is because I feel stuck in my role as a stay-at-home mom.  As my kids get older, the less they depend on me.  I feel lost.  I need to find a new identity; one that does not define me by title.  But God showed me something else during our second meeting yesterday.  He showed me that I was still holding onto my past.  Holding onto things I need to let go because they are still affecting me as an adult.  The need to impress, the need to perform, the need to be and look my best in order to be accepted.  To think that the inside is not good enough.  It is all about the outside; appearance, status and performance.  That is why my brain never shuts off.  My mind is constantly filled with things to do to improve myself, my family, my life. 

When it came down to prayer requests in our small group, I asked the ladies to pray for my healing.  To not complete this study to just say one down, another one to come.  To really use this study, and devotional blogging, to truly heal my past hurts and move on a different person.  To not put expectations on people because I put expectations on myself.  To love and accept people for who they are.  To see myself the way God sees me.  To know that it is okay to not have everyone's approval.  As long as I have God's; His is the only one that matters.

Let Him help me through this day.  The challenges I face are far too great for me to handle alone.  I am keenly aware of my helplessness in the scheme of events I face.  I can go it alone or walk with Him in humble steps of dependence.  So consider it all joy whenever I am enveloped in various trials.  These are gifts from Him, reminding me to rely on Him alone.
Psalm 63:7-8; James 1:2-3

Ending on a good note, I have completed my deloading week without gaining or losing.  Even though I was anxious during it, I am glad I went through it.  It gave my body, and my mind, the rest it needed.  I am now back on the hardcore track.  Will be for about 5 weeks until I deload again.  I planned my next deloading week for the week of my birthday.  Thought it would be a great way to start off that depressing day.  Just lay in bed, eating junk because my life is over...I am now 34.  Okay, a bit of an exaggeration, but every year my birthday rolls around, the closer I get to 40.  But the 40's is the new 30's, right?!  I thought I would hate the day I turned 30, but the 30's have been the best years of my life.  So the 40's will probably be even better.